Modified: February 10, 2022
bids
This page is from my personal notes, and has not been specifically reviewed for public consumption. It might be incomplete, wrong, outdated, or stupid. Caveat lector.The Atlantic has this article on "Masters of Love" http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/ presenting research into features that define happy couples that will stay together. (relationship advice)
One of the factors is how people respond to "bids" for attention, for example, "look at that pretty bird!". Bids are opportunities for connection. An accepted bid shows that you respect the judgement of your partner in presenting things for your attention, and it reinforces their actions so they'll continue to try to connect in the future. A rejected bid creates distance.
But we shouldn't necessarily accept all bids. Richard Ngo connects bids to boundaries, which can be seen as a commitment not to accept bids that some part of you would resent accepting. Over time this actually leads to greater trust:
Trust which is built up via fulfilling all bids is fragile—if a bid is ever rejected, that feels like an unprecedented disaster! Trust which is built up via fulfilling the bids that work, and making clear which ones don’t, is much more robust—especially because saying no to a bid is often a starting point, not an ending point.