Modified:
Trip report 2025-09-26 MDMA
This page is from my personal notes, and has not been specifically reviewed for public consumption. It might be incomplete, wrong, outdated, or stupid. Caveat lector.Frustration
how do I get better fucking emotions that might let me actually fucking do things
the part that doesn't believe I can write from love not anger - that part is really suffering
what's going on with all this anger. what does it need
Whatever might help
Power loss: restore the guardian spirit(s) Soul loss: find missing soul fragments
after breaking up with jake, I needed love, care, affirmation so badly, and I didn't get it :-(
was there I time when I was free? what gets in the way of my freedom? how can I get it back? do I want it back?
what's possible in the relationship with breath meditation?
when I'm mad at myself for fucking up the circumstances of the trip, getting stressed about not having enough quiet time, not being in perfect shape, not having the right intentions:
trust that the bodhisattvas will come. let them in to help
forgiveness. taking the posture, asking for help and forgiveness, over and over again. internal and external.
forgiveness for not knowing what to do.
asking for support and not taking no for an answer. is there someone who will help me return to myself? hold until it shifts. at some point it shifted from a deep longing to a kind of annoyed "yes of course, what a silly question, why are you asking this"
for questions like: am I basically okay? do I have support? can I forgive this? we want to inspect deeply, honestly, lovingly, with care and a light touch. to see what's actually there. and - we know the ultimate answer. we know the answer we deserve to feel. we do the inquiry with utter certainty that we deserve to feel basically okay and that we can feel that way.
shaking, hyperventilating. there's a lot of stuff that wants to come out. a lot of anger.
anger at being told something I already know. "why are you telling me this, this is useless to me".
being invited to participate. the voice in my head is a narrator, sitting aloof from the scene. does it want to participate. does it want to play? maybe it's too frozen and awkward to do much, but that's allowed. the invitation is there
freedom and discipline. I bow my head and ask for forgiveness out of love for myself, because I deserve to be forgiven. I deserve to be free.
how am I? really? the answer to that question has always been so scary I shy away from asking it. I'm (usually?) deeply not okay. But asking that question and caring about the answer, even if it's deeply not okay forever. Sometimes there might be something else too.
relating with time. when I don't have the time to go into something, or I'm afraid because taking one branch will close off another branch. this came up, is in process, still seems kind of buried. I'm sorry.