Modified: August 20, 2026
Trip Report 2026-06-12 MDMA
This page is from my personal notes, and has not been specifically reviewed for public consumption. It might be incomplete, wrong, outdated, or stupid. Caveat lector.(deprioritized)
what do I need? is it safe to ask that question? and to acknowledge the answers?
what lies am I telling myself?
fears around being an adult with real responsibilities
hypervigilance - what's up with that?
(accusing myself of taking shortcuts, of not being able to do things the right way. the imagined judgement of suzanne lenhart) I have to fake it because if I tried to do things properly I'd fail
there's no one who can help. no one I can rely on.
the need to be special, to be fundamentally different from everyone else
why do I hate Riley? fuck you for being normal. fuck everyone for being normal. no one gets it. no one can help.
why do I hate my dad?
This totalizing urgency to fix everything is so fucked up and it's fucking me up
the pathological wish to be 18 again. shame in being around young people as a thirty-eight year-old. shame at not having grown into someone they should look up to. not believing in myself and not taking responsibility for myself
what would it mean to take responsibility. how can I do it
what do I want?
is it safe to breathe?
it can't be held (it = the spirit, metta, healing goodness, the force that mdma summons). it's natural that it comes and goes.
the terror be being asked - do I actually want to submit everything to honoring my child self? it's thrilling, and some part of me says, yes, let myself be reborn in the flames. but there's also fear
authority - what is asked of me here? loving and connected but beyond self-indulgence
as a kid, seeing another kid I was mad at, and being able to let that go and feel how good it felt to hug him
being soft and vulnerable